I can't

I have been struggling with myself lately and my inability to get things right.  One of my biggest struggles right now is a very defiant little boy.  It feels like as soon as I get up in the morning, we begin this struggle. Battle lines have been drawn and I am just waiting on him to cross those lines. On most days he crosses the line multiple times...shots are fired and everyone walks away wounded.  I know...it sounds dramatic, but it is exhausting. My every instruction is questioned and many times throughout the day completely ignored.  That kind of behavior cannot go unpunished, but when the consequences for his actions seem to have no effect on his behavior I start to wonder.  What am I doing wrong?! Frustration builds up, I run out of patience and I end up yelling my way through the day and then I don't like the kind of mother I have turned into. I know there are other Momma's out there in the same boat.  Momma's that pray for wisdom and direction. Momma's that only want what is best. Momma's who pour out their love day and night, but your little one is constantly fighting you.  In return, you feel like you are constantly at odds with your child...and that is a hard place to be.  I have had a couple of eye-opening moments in the past month that have forced me to plead with God for help.  My little boy does need correction and discipline, but he also needs a Mother who is relying on God's strength to help her parent in a loving and patient manner. He deserves a Momma who is allowing the fruits of the Spirit to rule over her emotions instead of whatever current situation I am in.  I am just going to be honest and real with you...something that has hit me hard in the past few weeks...I can't do it.  I can't be everything this sweet little boy needs me to be.  I can't be everything for my little girl.  I can't be everything for my husband.  Even more than that, I am learning I can't be ANYTHING to them I need to be without fully trusting in God for my strength, wisdom, peace and joy.

I can't sounds like failure.  I can't sounds like you are giving up, but in my world I can't means that I am handing it over to God.  Have you ever given your kids a job knowing that at some point in the middle of this job, they will need your help?  It is interesting to watch them, knowing all they need to do is ask for help.  Sometimes I can see them get angry and frustrated with not being able to finish the job.  Sometimes I watch them just quit.  Sometimes I see them be defeated by their inability.  Then sometimes...a light bulb goes off in their head and they run to me or their Daddy for help.  I think God watches me sometimes and must think...why doesn't she just come to me?  Why isn't my Bible that sits on her nightstand open?  Why isn't she praying about this? Ouch.  The woman that God calls me to be in His Word, is nothing short of impossible.  I have been attending a Women's bible study and we have been going through the book of James.  It has been so challenging to me and almost frustrating! God has really shed some light on the dirt I have in my life. I don't know how I can possibly be and do all of the things that God has called me to be and do. I try on my own,  way too often.  I try and I fall. I get back up, try again and fall harder than the first time! Then just like when my kids have a job they can't possibly achieve, I realize I have to run to God, just like my kids run to me.  God gives us goals that we cannot possibly achieve on our own. He wants us to run to Him, to lean on His everlasting arms, to claim his heavenly peace, to draw our strength from His joy, and to have faith in His promises even when our emotions tell us differently. I am nothing without God, but when I make Him my everything, I can do whatever it is He has called me to do.  So what is it that you are struggling with? What impossible situation is in front of you? What kind of mountains are you facing? My heart has been heavy with the mountains I see other people around me having to face.  Life is hard and daily we have to face things and deal with things that are new to us.  We stand in front of something or someone and we are expected to have answers and we just don't know. Decisions, crossroads, loss, and betrayal...how do we deal with these things?  I am going to try to confront my struggles remembering that God has promised to hold my hand.  I am going to try to tell my overwhelming worries to fear not, for God will help me.  Easter Sunday is coming up and let that be a reminder to you of the power and victory we have in Christ.  Because He lives, we live.  Because He loves we can love.  He conquered and we are more than conquerors through Him!!

Isaiah 41:13 - For I the Lord thy God will hold thy right hand, saying unto thee, Fear not, I will help thee.

Romans 8:37 - Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us. 

Psams 18:2 - The Lord is my rock, and my fortress, and my deliverer; my God, my strength, in whom I will trust; my buckler, and the horn of my salvation, and my high tower.  

Lost in the Gray

Have you ever felt like life has turned upside down on you?  Maybe for the good or maybe for the not so good, but nevertheless the way you look at things has been flipped around.  In my life recently I feel upside down more than I do rightside up.  Not necessarily in a bad way...I just feel as if I don't know as much as I thought I knew.(hahaha...my husband will be really happy to read this)   I am a woman with strong emotions and opinions and in the past a person who felt like I had a good handle on life in general. I don't really feel that way anymore. What do I really know? I have to confess, in part, this is why I haven't been blogging much. I feel as if I don't have anything to write...nothing to offer. If I can't figure out things, then why should I blog?? There are plenty of other amazing and strong women who have a gift of writing...what could I possibly have to offer?  Life, at one time, seemed to me so black and white. That was before life actually came along though. Now, a husband and 2 kids later, there are these huge gray areas I have to figure out.
 I was once that first time pregnant know-it-all Momma.  I could clearly see where other parents were doing things wrong...I mean how hard can parenting really be?! I found out when the tiny human made an appearance that it isn't so much about breastmilk or formula and co-sleeping or not co-sleeping, its really just about keeping them alive!! I know, that sounds funny...but lets be for real (or as my daughter has recently put it "for truth") Getting a newborn fed is a feat in itself....and then you have to get them to close their sweet little precious eyes and drift off into beautiful slumber.  For some people this apparently isn't a problem, but God in all of his greatness didn't give me a well sleeping baby so again, a good night sleep or even a good nap was a GREAT victory.  What if you have a newborn AND a toddler?!  How do you keep a baby alive with a toddler around?!  I haven't had the pleasure of finding out personally how a parent does this but I really have wondered how these amazing Mommas with multiple kids under the age of 3 keep their sanity while keeping their kids alive. Mommas...you literally amaze me!

Now, I realize how naive to think that things can be as simple as black and white.  Don't get me wrong, some things are still black and white...but those things are easy. So many times since becoming a wife and a parent I have wished for a sign, or an arrow that points in the direction I should go.  Unfortunately that isn't how God works and it isn't how life works. I define the gray as "What in the world am I supposed to do now, God?"  The gray area is difficult, but I must admit it is making me the person and woman I am today. The gray is where we rely on His Spirit. The gray is when I have dug through the scriptures as if I was trying to find gold....when I have prayed continually....when I have begged for direction or peace. The gray has brought me closer to the lover of my soul. We aren't supposed to know all of the black and whites. We can't see all of the lines that have been drawn. We don't know where our journey will take us and we don't have a built-in GPS that tells us to take the next left.....BUT GOD KNOWS. In the gray we have to rely on Him and His Word.  The gray has taken my eyes off of the people around me that constantly disappoint (because we are human...and humans disappoint) and set my eyes on the only One I can truly rely on. In life, we don't have many things that are consistent, but as a Christian we have our Father in Heaven.  He will never fail us. He will show us the way if we truly want to know.  Isaiah 65:24 says "and it shall come to pass that before they call, I will answer; and while they are yet speaking, I will hear".  Such an amazing promise that God is ready to hear us and ready to give us direction when the time comes to make certain decisions.  Another great reminder for myself is that even when I am in a gray area, black and white is what keeps me focused.  There are so many great truths in the Bible that help direct us.  Everyone's gray area will look different, but no matter where I have been there has always been a truth from scripture that has helped guide me in the will of God. There has always been a promise in God's Word that has helped give me peace or sometimes convict my heart. Don't let the gray convince you that nothing is for sure, that nothing is consistent, that there isn't a right decision to be made.  Allow the gray areas of your life to bring you closer to the Truth....closer to the One who knows the way.  I want to be an encouragement to Mothers and maybe you are lost in something right now and you don't know which way to go. Maybe you are lost in your career, in motherhood, in your marriage, or in a loss. I feel for you and I pray that you find that gold nugget God has for you in his Word that will help you through your situation  or that the Holy Spirit gives you the peace that you need for whatever decision you may face.

Creating habits for spiritually strong kids

 Happy Monday Momma's :)  I know there are so many people that don't have a typical work week and maybe weekends mean nothing to them, but my weekends spoil me.  I typically don't work, do laundry or cook.  Friday nights are fun, Saturday's are lazy and Sunday is God's day and go to my Momma's day :).  Then here comes monday and it is back to reality.  I do like our routine though and the feeling of getting something done that Monday normally brings.  Today I have been thinking so much about raising spiritually strong children.  My prayer for my kids is not that they excel in academics or sports, but that they find God's will and touch people's lives with the light of Christ.  How as parents can we cultivate an environment that breeds spiritually minded kids? What are some things that we can do to help them be stronger Christians and even before that how can we lead our own kids to Christ?  I am going to talk about a few things that we have made habits at our house and few things that I am making goals to do to give my children a firm foundation.

1. Be spiritually minded yourself.  This is the hardest part.  You can't expect your children to be spiritually minded if you are not focused on Christ.  Colossians 3:2 says "Set your affection on things above, not on things on the earth"   and Phillipians 4:8 says "....Whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things."  This is where I fall the farthest.  So many times I do not set my affection on things above, but on things that surround me.   Can I just say social media is the worst distraction from things above.  Drama is of the devil ladies... Plain and simple.  Social media also causes us to constantly play the comparison game, and we never come out on top when comparing our lives to the lives of others as portrayed on facebook and instagram.  So get off facebook, get off instagram and open up your Bible app.  Read your Bible every day.  It is God's words written to you.  His sweet words will help keep your mind turned toward Him.  When you are in His word everyday you will find yourself recalling verses to help you with that specific thing you are struggling with.  I myself struggle in this area and have very good intentions, but at the end of the day I convince myself that netflix is really what I need to unwind.  Not the Bible.  That is not being focused on Christ and I am there on so many days.  The second thing I do to keep myself spiritually minded is Talk to God everyday.   He is there for you.  Talk to him when you get up in the morning and talk to him when you go to bed at night.  He loves to hear from you.  We recently watched War Room and wow...what a great movie.  Having a prayer life like the one that is portrayed in this movie will keep you spiritually minded.  I fail in these areas every. single. day.  My goal as a woman, as a wife and as a mother is to read my Bible more.  Think about what I read, pray about it and then apply it to my life in a practical way.  I know this is the first step in building a firm foundation for my children.

2. Create Spiritul habits for your Children.  This could be different for everyone and you have to do what works best for your schedule and your family, but these are a few things we do to incorporate Christ in our home.

            - We pray before meals.  (James 1:17)  This may seem like a small thing, but I don't see many families doing this anymore.  Growing up my parents always acknowledged that every good and perfect thing comes from above and we always thanked our Lord and Savior for what we had.  Everytime we sit down to eat Dinner, we thank God for the food that has been set before us.  Right now this is just a habit for our children and they dont recognize the importance of it, but it is a great habit to instill in your children to Thank God for even the smallest things.

            - We pray before bedtime. (Philippians 4:6) Again, this may seem small, but making habit of talking to God is never a bad thing.  We are creatures of habit and teaching our kids good habits is so important.  Sometimes I wish we weren't so disciplined in this because sometimes I am just ready for my kids to go to bed, but we are now at the point they always remind us that it is time to pray.  We go around and each person says something they are thankful for that day and someone different prays every night.

            -We read bible stories at home.  (Deuteronomy 6:6,7) I cant stress this enough!! Church shouldn't be the only place your kids hear about God. They need to hear these stories from you at home and they need to know they are different than Disney fairy tales.  Stories aren't just stories when they come from God's word.  They are real, living stories that help us in our walk with Christ.  When I was young, I knew stories about Jonah and the whale, Daniel and the Lions Den, and Jesus walking on the water...not because I heard them at church but because my Parents taught them to me.  Don't let Christmas and Easter be taken over by Santa and the Easter bunny....tell them the real reason behind the season.  Get excited about Christ and tell your Children about Him and what He has done for them.  Once again, they aren't going to understand everything.  As adults we don't understand everything either, but these stories are precious and they are what God wanted us to have and to share with our children.  Let great Men of God be their spiritual superheroes and great women of the bible be their spiritual princesses.  Just set in your heart a goal to share one bible story a day or one bible story a week and talk about it.

            -We listen to Christian music. (1 Corinthians 10:31) (Ephesians 5:19) This has always been a big one for me.  Kids learn so much through music.  Anyone can tell you, if your child is having a hard time memorizing something, just put it to music and they will have it in no time. There is a reason the little song says "oh be careful little ears what you hear".  This is also a warning to parents to be careful what you let blast from your radio.  When Emma was as young as one year old we bought a few kids CDs that had lots of biblical songs and stories.  The particular CDs we had told a bible story and then had a song that followed.  We almost always listened to these in the car (this was sometimes hard....there is only so much kids music a parent can take!!) but Emma still knows so many of these songs and stories by heart. When I walk into a room and my kids are singing Jesus songs it makes my heart happy.

3. Make God the final authority. (Hebrews 13:17) (Romans 5:8)  Discipline.  We all hate it and it is hard. It is one of the hardest things we have to do as a parent, but we discipline because we love them and because we want our kids to grow up to be half-way decent people.  When we discipline at our house I always give the reason why we are disciplining and what God says about it.  I don't even know how many times I have said that "the Bible says we are supposed to obey our parents."  We explain that we do things because God said so first....and then because Mom or Dad said it.  Also use discipline as a time to explain that we all make mistakes but that God still loves us and forgives us.  What an important truth that is to instill in our children!!

4. Scripture memorization. (Psalms 119:11) (Psalms 37:31) This is a goal for me. I need to be so much better about this because scripture memorization is so important.  In my life being able to recall a verse I had memorized has been able to keep me on track, comfort me or give me the peace and strength I needed.  Imagine being able to give your kids that.  As parents,  we won't be a constant physical presence 24/7, but God is there for them all the time!!  Think about what power you are giving your children with scripture memorization.   Once they start school, they will be surrounded by other ideas and criticisms.  They will be surrounded by negativity and peer pressure.  How will they deal with that?  Memorizing God's word, even if it is because their parents are making them, is a spiritual tool that you can give them. The word of God is the sword of the Spirit. I don't want to send my kids to battle without a weapon.  My goal is to teach them a verse a week and make it a practical verse that they can somewhat understand.

5. Keep your kids around spiritual patriarchs.  I am blessed to have spiritual parents and so is my husband.  I love for my kids to be around them and to see the spiritual heritage they have.  God has worked in so many lives around us and my parents and grandparents are such good examples of lives led by God.   Maybe you have someone in your life that is strong spiritually.  Lean on them for advice and allow your children the freedom to lean on them as well.  I think I know what's best for my kids 100% of the time, but I need to learn to stop and take advice from people who have been there, done that and their kids have grown up to be servants of God.

Parenting is hard.  It is the hardest thing I have ever done.  I am learning to not sweat the little things and to be more concerned with raising them up in the Lord.  If I can equip them with spiritual tools and grow them in spiritual knowledge then I will have done the job the Lord has entrusted me with.  He didn't ask me to make sure they are Doctors or lawyers.  He didn't ask me to make sure they are at the top of their class.  Thank goodness it isn't my responsibility to make sure they are the best dressed or most well-mannered.  I will fail in so many areas with my children.  Of course, I want to give them every opportunity and make sure they have the best of everything....but I can't.  What I can do is give myself to God first and then give my children to Him as well.  He has a purpose very specific to each one of our children.  God can open doors that we can't.  He can provide in ways that we can't.  My job as a momma is to point my kids to the One who can help them do all things.  I am thankful that God gives me multiple chances and I am learning to think more about what God thinks of me than what others might think.   I want people to think that I have everything together.  I want people to think I am strong and that I know exactly what to do, but God sees me for who I am and He still loves me.  He sees all my failures and He still loves me. I want my kids to know that too!  I want them to know more than anything when they fail that God is there for them and He still loves them. I want them to know that greater is He that is in us, than he who is living in the world.

               

Thankful for the Laundry

Being a stay at home Mom on most days is very monotonous.  Wake up, feed kids, clean kitchen floor, get coffee, do laundry, wash dishes, check facebook, learning time with kids, lunch time, clean kitchen floor again, nap time, insert possible (notice the key word possible) free time here, cook supper, yard work, time for baths, bedtime story, bedtime snack, clean up kitchen floor again, and finally bedtime.  Very repetitive and feels somewhat never ending. Never a sense of accomplishment. So many days are spent counting down the hours until bedtime or dreaming of a land of silence :).

Moms, we all have those days. The days of settling arguments, cleaning up poop, telling your kids not to say poop and did they really just spill their cup of milk again?!! The days of so many scrapes and scratches, I mean really...how many times can kids get hurt in a day?? The days where we replace batteries, put away clothes, burn bread, don't brush our teeth until after lunch and pretend to not see the dust bunnies in the corner.

There are the other days too though. The days where we decide as a mother that we aren't going to let the day get the best of us. The days where we drink in our kids smiles and get some sort of Mommy high when we can make them laugh at something we didn't even realize was funny.  The days when you push bedtime a little later just because you don't want it to end, because lets face it, tomorrow could be very different. The days when...I can't even believe I am about to say this...the days when you are thankful for the laundry. This afternoon I was folding clothes and I just stopped to look at the piles of clothes. At that moment I felt so thankful that I was the Momma chosen to carefully sort out the clothes, load them in the washer with the right temperature and detergent, transfer them to the dryer or hang them up to dry, unload the dryer and fold them neatly into baskets...aaaannd that's where it stops on most days at my house :)  Instead of ending up in the drawers, we dig through our baskets, but that's ok. I continue to fold a tutu dress that Emma loves to twirl in and a spiderman shirt that Rickie wants to wear everyday. I notice a grass stain that won't come out now and a sock that is missing its match. I think about how the kids are supposed to be helping me right now, but they are playing so good in the next room and I love the sound of it.  I basically have a basket of Frozen clothes and a basket of Spiderman clothes because instead of buying cute clothes that I would like for them to wear...I find myself buying clothes that they will want to wear...clothes that bring a smile to their face. I wonder if it will be the last time I fold this shirt and it makes me sad because I love it, but they are growing. 

Laundry...such a mundane task most of the time for most people.  Mothers though, sometimes grab a shirt out of the dryer and they hold it up and a smile comes to her face because she sees more than a shirt.  She sees the faces of her children.  She sees memories.  Life goes by fast...that shirt will be replaced next year with a bigger size shirt that will also sit neatly folded in the laundry basket.  There will be so many days when you curse the never empty basket of dirty clothes and I will be right there with you, but there will be other days when something as simple as a shirt will cause you to stop, smile and be thankful.  God has entrusted you with being a Mom. One of the most important jobs in the whole world and it really just consists of a massive amount of tiny little jobs that feel as if they go unnoticed. On the days when it feels like your job doesn't matter, remind yourself that God watches you pour your heart and soul into the smallest things and He recognizes that you are faithful...even if on some days it is just with the laundry. 

"Employ whatever God has entrusted you with, in doing good, all possible good, in every possible kind and degree." -John Wesley

A Stranger in our Home

In a few short days My family will end a chapter in our life and begin a new one.  We will all run around like crazy for a couple of hours on what would normally be a regular Wednesday morning and determine not to be late for an adoption ceremony.  We will get in the car, drive to the courthouse, sign a few papers, promise to love and to care for a certain little boy and it will be official.  A process that has lasted for a long 3 years now will come to an end in a short 20 minutes.  The judge will hand us a piece of paper that tells us we are fit to be Rickie's parents and we will be on our way.  A family of four.  Rickie will officially take our last name.  He will have a new name and a forever family. 

 

Adoption is a beautiful thing that no one can prepare you for.  We went to classes.  We read books.  We heard stories.  I believe it is one of those things that you can never really be truly prepared for.  I remember when I was pregnant with Emma...I had so many Moms give me advice and tell me how things were going to be, but anyone who has had a child knows that no one can prepare you for that.  No one can prepare you for the responsibility or the love.  Adoption is no different.  To be honest, I had heard so many people talk about the bonding experience and explain how it takes time.  They would share their struggles with bonding and I always knew that wouldn't be a problem for me.  I know now how naïve it was for me to believe that bonding wouldn't be an issue at all.  I truly thought that would never be anything that I would personally struggle with.  I was supposed to adopt.  God had given me peace about it and I knew He would give me the love for that child.  Just like when you have your first child, it doesn't take long for you to realize that everything is harder than you thought it would be.  Even though Rickie was almost four when we welcomed him into our home, in many ways it felt just like when we brought Emma home as a newborn.

 

Just like a newborn sometimes feels like this tiny little person who all of the sudden fills your home with chaos and love, Rickie felt like a stranger in our home.  We didn't really know what to do with him.  All of the sudden we had this little boy sleeping in the next room, eating at the table with us and participating in all of the family functions.  At first it just feels like this overwhelming amount of responsibility.  We felt like he needed us in so many ways and we were working so hard physically and emotionally to meet his needs.  We would lay in bed at night and wonder if we were doing everything right. Were we fit to be his parents?  Were we good enough?  They say time heals all wounds and while I don't know if some wounds can ever be completely healed I do believe that statement holds true in so many ways. A little bit of time passes and things start to change.  Just like the first time your little baby looks up into your eyes and gives you their first smile and your heart completely melts.  Even though you are sleep deprived and you have forgotten what normalcy looks like, you thank God that you are the lucky one that gets to parent this amazing being that you hold in your arms.  Nothing happened fast, but we could see the trust beginning to form.  We could feel him beginning to depend on us for his needs.  A baby will cry in hopes that its momma or daddy will hear him and run to comfort him.   Rickie would cry in hopes that one of us would hold him and comfort him.  We would watch this new stranger sleep sometimes peacefully and sometimes not so peacefully in his bed and a strong protectiveness would come over us. A protectiveness that wanted to shield him from any more hurt that might come his way.  Bonds began to form.  Strong bonds that can't be broken. 

Slowly the past few months we have watched and we have learned.  We have felt our relationship with Rickie grow and change.   We have seen him grow stronger.  With fierce determination he learns new things.  We never got to experience the first time he physically crawled or walked or ran, but emotionally we have seen this brave little boy get knocked down and have to learn to sit up, crawl, walk and then run.   This little boy is coming into himself. He makes us laugh and smile every day.  He doesn't feel like a stranger anymore, he feels like family. He feels like our son. We are starting to forget what it felt like to be a family of three.  A family of four feels so right and it is so much fun.  I am not going to lie, we have definitely had to adjust.  It feels like we are getting into a groove though.  We are still playing catch up with Rickie but things are going so much smoother than they were and I believe it is because Rickie is learning that he is safe and secure.  He is learning that we can be relied on.  When we leave, he knows we will be back.   He is finding out that most of the time he just has to ask for something and we will provide it.  Rickie is still getting to know us and we are still getting to know him, but it is a beautiful thing to see unfold.  Each victory is cause for celebration and every tear begs for a warm embrace. Rickie still isn't quite sure of his new home sometimes, and I can see it in his big blue eyes that he wants to trust.  He just needs more time.  Trust is a hard bridge to build, but as a family we will build it together.  We will take one day at a time and we will stand together.  As Rickie learns to trust us, we will keep learning how to trust in our Almighty God. 

 

In a devotional that I am reading right now there is a quote by Marie T. Freeman and it says "God is more concerned with the direction of your life than with its speed."  How comforting that when we feel like things should be moving much faster, God is just concerned that we are doing the right thing.  The adoption process for us has moved slow, but you know what? It has all been in God's perfect timing.  For anyone who is going through the adoption process...any part of it, I will pray for you. I will pray that you keep trusting in God.  He will help you.  He knows exactly what you need and when you need it.  He knows the desires of your heart and He longs to give them to you.  He knows you need peace and love and hope and He has them for you. 

What didn't get done

Does anyone else walk through the house at the end of the day stepping over toys and maneuvering through full laundry baskets in the hallway. You think about the load in the washer that needs to be put in the dryer,  you set that last dirty glass of the day into the full sink of dishes waiting for tomorrow morning. Maybe like me, you work from home too and let's not even get started on how it seems impossible sometimes to find time for that. You kind of grimace when you think about all the things that didn't get done. 
The morning of that same day, you woke up with determination.   The laundry would be conquered, the toys would be picked up, the sink would be empty, the kids would be on time, and of course, a trip to the gym would happen.  Somewhere in your day though...things happen. So tonight as I walked through the house I decided to think about the things that did get done.

Both kids ate breakfast and Emma was on time to school. I didn't have time for makeup and my hair wasn't fixed or brushed for that matter but we did practice our Bible verse and Easter song on the way to school.  Rickie and I got home and before I finished my first cup of coffee I had changed 2 diapers and put together his train track for what feels like the millionth time...but ya know what? He loves playing with that train track and it means alot to him that his Momma takes the time to help him with something he can't quite do yet.  I did manage to do some laundry...so we do have clean clothes for a few more days :) Lunch consisted of egg sandwiches (the pan is still dirty in the sink) and at that time I could have got several things done but lunch was followed by one on one time with Rickie.  Learning, communicating, getting on his level where he is at and teaching him. After Emma gets out of school we make a special trip to Ingles because Rickie is asking for grapes and he doesn't like fruit typically so if Rickie is asking for grapes. ..he is going to get them.  It would be like Emma asking for broccoli. ..when that day arrives...we will be making another special trip :)  I took the time to cook supper for my family today and it was healthier than McDonalds and tasted way better. We took a walk as a family. We enjoyed the beautiful weather and spent valuable time together.  The more time spent with your kids the more they open up and the more you see about them and who they really are. 
I know there was something you did today for one of your kids that you didn't really have time for. You did it anyway. There was someone today who probably didn't notice the little sacrafice of time and effort you made. You did it anyway.  There was someone today who probably looked up at you with a need that only you could provide at that moment.  You provided. Good for you.  You were a mom today.  You took care of your precious family. You made sacrafices.  Don't fall asleep discouraged.  Fall asleep remembering who you are to those little sweet faces in the next room. Fall asleep thinking about the things that only you offered them today.  Fall asleep remembering to Thank our almighty God above for allowing you to be the mother you are.  Not everyone gets the chance.  Fall asleep remembering that greater is the One living inside of you than he who is living in the world! 
There were so many things that didn't get done today. Those things will always be there. 

The Storm is There

Our lives as individuals are faced with many decisions.  Some are small. Some are big. Some are black and white while others are in between.  Some are confident and some are...well...not so confident.  Decisions are made out of love and hate.  Decisions are made out of anger and sadness.  Some decisions are made out of frustrations and overwhelming odds.  My guess is we make hundreds of decisions each day if not thousands.  If you are like me though, sometimes decisions are second-guessed.  I doubt my decisions.  I question myself...constantly.

The past few weeks have been full of ups and downs.  We have been sick.  We have been snowed in.  Rickie has been on antibiotics which apparently turned him into a devil child for 10 days.  Emma has developed this weird thing with food in the past month or so.  Different textures that have never bothered her before make her gag and throw up at the supper table.  Almost every time we sit down to eat supper something makes her gag.  I mean, can my cooking really be that bad??  With all of these things though (which really don't even matter) most of our ups and downs we have had concern mostly Rickie.  Some days we are made extremely aware how much catching up he has.  No one has cared enough for this precious little boy to spend any time with him.  He has no clue how to communicate.  Simple question like "What are you doing, Rickie?", confuse him. Most of the time when I ask him this he will just look up at me and say "yes."  We did some at home testing with him this week and we have come to the conclusion that although he will turn four in 10 days he is more like a 2 year old. Knowing this has actually helped us in many ways.  It has given us a starting point and it has shown us what we can expect from him and what we can't expect from him.  Then there are days that we become extremely aware of how far he has come.  My eyes well up with tears when I think of his progress.  The little boy who couldn't say 2-syllable words when we first brought him home can now say sentences that are somewhat understandable :).  He talks to us.  For the most part, he can communicate his wants and needs.  He can run and climb.  He can name his colors now and build with blocks. He has come so far.  Some days it feels like we are getting nowhere and other days the smallest thing will cause us to celebrate...but isn't that what families are about anyway?  You help each other on the hard days and you celebrate...every little thing. 

This morning, taking Emma to school, we were listening to one of the kid's Cd's and a song came on that is called Footprints on the Water.  Maybe you guys have heard it but if you haven't, it is sung from a little fish's point of view and he can see Jesus walking on the water.  About halfway through the song, I hear Rickie singing in the back seat "I saw Jesus, Jesus, walking on the waves".  Of course, it didn't come out that clear but I could tell that is what he was saying and it made my day.  Even Emma said "Momma, do you hear Rickie?".  We all celebrated and clapped and told him how good he was singing.  I have thought about that little song all day.  Many times we make a decision and step out of the boat.  We have such faith as if we can see Jesus walking on the water, then somewhere along the way we start to sink, but Jesus is still there waiting for us to do the impossible with him.  He is still there even when we are sinking.  Sometimes I wake up in the morning and I have just stepped out of the boat.  I can see Christ and He is all I need. At the end of that same day, I am sinking.  I am overwhelmed by the waves and the storm and I have forgotten Christ. 

I don't want people to think I am complaining.  I want people to know that I am not perfect.  None of us are perfect and we sink sometimes.  Decisions are made to get out of the boat and we sink.  We sink because we take our eyes off Christ and we question getting out of the boat in the first place.  What if I am not good enough?  What if I can't make it?  What if.....? What if....?

 Rickie is an amazing blessing to our family.  Emma is an amazing blessing to our family.  Raising a family and truly being part of a family is hard most of the time.  It requires sacrifice and courage. I pray for my children. I am scared for them and the future they could possibly have if our country doesn't turn around. Working with a four year old who is developmentally delayed is challenging and overwhelming sometimes. Working with another four year old who thinks she know everything is also challenging :)  Kids are challenging, no matter who they are or who you are.  God knows this but he still reaches out his hands and calls for us to step out of the boat every day.  Sometimes getting out of the boat seems as impossible as walking on the water, but He still wants us to do it.  Walk on the water today.   The storm is there, but so is Jesus. 


27-But straightway Jesus spake unto them, saying, Be of good cheer; it is I; be not afraid.
²⁸ And Peter answered him and said, Lord, if it be thou, bid me come unto thee on the water.
²⁹ And he said, Come. And when Peter was come down out of the ship, he walked on the water, to go to Jesus.
³⁰ But when he saw the wind boisterous, he was afraid; and beginning to sink, he cried, saying, Lord, save me.
³¹ And immediately Jesus stretched forth his hand, and caught him, and said unto him, O thou of little faith, wherefore didst thou doubt?