Our lives as individuals are faced with many decisions. Some are small. Some are big. Some are black and white while others are in between. Some are confident and some are...well...not so confident. Decisions are made out of love and hate. Decisions are made out of anger and sadness. Some decisions are made out of frustrations and overwhelming odds. My guess is we make hundreds of decisions each day if not thousands. If you are like me though, sometimes decisions are second-guessed. I doubt my decisions. I question myself...constantly.
The past few weeks have been full of ups and downs. We have been sick. We have been snowed in. Rickie has been on antibiotics which apparently turned him into a devil child for 10 days. Emma has developed this weird thing with food in the past month or so. Different textures that have never bothered her before make her gag and throw up at the supper table. Almost every time we sit down to eat supper something makes her gag. I mean, can my cooking really be that bad?? With all of these things though (which really don't even matter) most of our ups and downs we have had concern mostly Rickie. Some days we are made extremely aware how much catching up he has. No one has cared enough for this precious little boy to spend any time with him. He has no clue how to communicate. Simple question like "What are you doing, Rickie?", confuse him. Most of the time when I ask him this he will just look up at me and say "yes." We did some at home testing with him this week and we have come to the conclusion that although he will turn four in 10 days he is more like a 2 year old. Knowing this has actually helped us in many ways. It has given us a starting point and it has shown us what we can expect from him and what we can't expect from him. Then there are days that we become extremely aware of how far he has come. My eyes well up with tears when I think of his progress. The little boy who couldn't say 2-syllable words when we first brought him home can now say sentences that are somewhat understandable :). He talks to us. For the most part, he can communicate his wants and needs. He can run and climb. He can name his colors now and build with blocks. He has come so far. Some days it feels like we are getting nowhere and other days the smallest thing will cause us to celebrate...but isn't that what families are about anyway? You help each other on the hard days and you celebrate...every little thing.
This morning, taking Emma to school, we were listening to one of the kid's Cd's and a song came on that is called Footprints on the Water. Maybe you guys have heard it but if you haven't, it is sung from a little fish's point of view and he can see Jesus walking on the water. About halfway through the song, I hear Rickie singing in the back seat "I saw Jesus, Jesus, walking on the waves". Of course, it didn't come out that clear but I could tell that is what he was saying and it made my day. Even Emma said "Momma, do you hear Rickie?". We all celebrated and clapped and told him how good he was singing. I have thought about that little song all day. Many times we make a decision and step out of the boat. We have such faith as if we can see Jesus walking on the water, then somewhere along the way we start to sink, but Jesus is still there waiting for us to do the impossible with him. He is still there even when we are sinking. Sometimes I wake up in the morning and I have just stepped out of the boat. I can see Christ and He is all I need. At the end of that same day, I am sinking. I am overwhelmed by the waves and the storm and I have forgotten Christ.
I don't want people to think I am complaining. I want people to know that I am not perfect. None of us are perfect and we sink sometimes. Decisions are made to get out of the boat and we sink. We sink because we take our eyes off Christ and we question getting out of the boat in the first place. What if I am not good enough? What if I can't make it? What if.....? What if....?
Rickie is an amazing blessing to our family. Emma is an amazing blessing to our family. Raising a family and truly being part of a family is hard most of the time. It requires sacrifice and courage. I pray for my children. I am scared for them and the future they could possibly have if our country doesn't turn around. Working with a four year old who is developmentally delayed is challenging and overwhelming sometimes. Working with another four year old who thinks she know everything is also challenging :) Kids are challenging, no matter who they are or who you are. God knows this but he still reaches out his hands and calls for us to step out of the boat every day. Sometimes getting out of the boat seems as impossible as walking on the water, but He still wants us to do it. Walk on the water today. The storm is there, but so is Jesus.
27-But straightway Jesus spake unto them, saying, Be of good cheer; it is I; be not afraid.
28 And Peter answered him and said, Lord, if it be thou, bid me come unto thee on the water.
29 And he said, Come. And when Peter was come down out of the ship, he walked on the water, to go to Jesus.
30 But when he saw the wind boisterous, he was afraid; and beginning to sink, he cried, saying, Lord, save me.
31 And immediately Jesus stretched forth his hand, and caught him, and said unto him, O thou of little faith, wherefore didst thou doubt?
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